Fear Me Not Read online

  He laughs, warm and openly. There’s a good, clean, gentle silence. Diamond dust falls between us, the frozen air glittering. And in this moment, everything is easy, and beautiful, and nothing hurts.

  It won’t last.

  But I try to make it.

  ***

  I stand outside Yulan’s door for my December check-up, and everything in me screams not to go in. Even though she was nice to me leading up to the Winter Ball, Raine and Yulan together will try to get me to leave again. But I screw my face up and push it open. For Alisa.

  I’m greeted, not by Raine, but by a Gutter who looks almost exactly like an older, male version of her. He has a slender fox-like face, narrow, bright blue eyes, and a height that dwarfs even Yulan, who looks over a clipboard with him. The man’s skin, unlike Raine’s, is sickly-looking and pale. His head snaps up.

  “Ah, you have a student visitor, Yulan.”

  A flicker of panic crosses Yulan’s face when he sees me, but he quashes it quickly.

  “Could you come back at another time? We’ll do your check-up then.”

  “But –” I start.

  “What’s the harm, Yulan?” The man laughs. “A check-up takes minutes. I can amuse myself until then.”

  Yulan makes a little bow at him, and that’s when I realize he’s sotho. Illuminator sotho. Of course he is, with the eyes and all. But that bow cements it in my brain. Yulan sends me a sharp look as he readies the needle and blood analyzer.

  “Don’t be afraid, child,” The man says. “Please, have a seat. I am Jerai, of the Illuminator sotho. I trust they’ve taught you what a sotho is here, at least?”

  “Duh. That was like, the first thing,” I say, and sit on the stool slowly. Jerai chuckles.

  “Indeed.”

  I don’t particularily like the way this guy talks, but he’s Raine’s dad. I feel obligated to ask semi-polite questions, at least.

  “So, do you come here often, Jerai? I mean, I haven’t seen many sotho who are adults on campus. Makes sense, since Colorado is so far away.”

  Jerai nods. “I check up on things here every few months. It’s the money the Illuminator’s earned improving your human technology that funds this place, after all.”

  “Ah, so you’re the guy who built it.”

  “Your government helped,” He smiles, but nothing about his words sound modest. “Your people are very good at toiling away in the dirt.”

  It’s a backhanded compliment. I tighten my expression so he can’t see my anger. Yulan shoots me another sharp, angry look as he draws my blood. Yulan? Angry? Never. It’s almost like he’s acting purposely out of character. But why?

  Yulan’s fingers fumble with the vial, blood splattering in a flower of red on the tile. Yulan curses.

  “Oh, pas’ara. I’ll get another one and wipe that up. Just give me a second.”

  Jerai smiles at me. “You’ll have to forgive Yulan. He’s always been a bit lacking in the professionalism department.”

  Yulan doesn’t even react to the insult, fishing out a rag and disinfectant spray and dutifully scrubbing at the floor.

  “Yulan’s been more professional than any human doctor I’ve met,” I snap.

  “Yes, well, that isn’t very hard now, is it?” Jerai’s smile crinkles his eyes, but he doesn’t blink. We stare at each other for a moment, me glaring and him glaring with his smile, until Yulan stands up and blocks our vision. He returns with a new needle and swabs my arm. As he’s drawing blood, he looks up at me. His eyes flicker to the door and back to me repeatedly. Does he want me to leave? Why can’t he say it out loud?

  “Kusun!” The door suddenly bangs open, and Raine walks in. She stops, looks around at what’s happening and bows quickly. “I-I apologize for interrupting.”

  She doesn’t say anything more, or even straighten. Jerai looks her over, his eyes glazing with what is clearly irritation. He sighs.

  “Daa’ma.”

  Raine straightens instantly upon hearing that. “The human Principal wishes to see you. Something about a fund deficit?”

  “And why would you have been speaking to him at all?” Jerai questions coolly. “We agreed you would not speak to figures of authority at this school. It is not your place.”

  Raine’s too good. She wants to bristle, I know that look, but she doesn’t. She bows again, more shallow.

  “I apologize. He called me in to question me on my whereabouts during the zol.”

  At the word ‘zol’, Jerai looks sharply to me. I keep my face carefully blank, and he seems to be relieved by it. Yulan is taking his sweet time putting the blood vial in the analyzer, his hands moving slowly and fumbling. Since when does he fumble so much?

  “We will speak of your word choice later,” Jerai says to Raine. “Not that a human would know of zol.”

  He shoots me an oily sneer, and I resist the urge to sneer right back. He takes his leave without so much as a goodbye to Yulan or I, or even a glance at his daughter. When his footsteps fade, Raine strides over and grabs my hand.

  “It was the most inopportune moment,” Yulan says quickly. “I’m sorry –”

  “Don’t concern yourself, it was not your fault,” Raine says. “I’ve got it from here.”

  “Ow, shit! You’re hurting my wrist, Raine,” I snap. “Oh, and newsflash; your dad’s a piece of fucking work.”

  “There’s no time,” Raine replies. “You must come with me.”

  “Uh, but my checkup – ”

  “Your checkup nearly ruined everything just now,” Raine says. “Now come with me. I’ll explain when we’re in a place that’s safe to talk.”

  “Yulan?” I look at him for help, but he shakes his head.

  “It’s time you knew the truth, Victoria,” he sighs. “Asara save us all.”

  “What? What truth? What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Come on!” Raine pulls me. She’s surprisingly strong for her fragile body. She leads me through the halls, carefully avoiding the mharata and the path to the principal’s office. After what feels like an eternity of confused walking, she pulls me into a storeroom and shuts the door. It’s dim, a single lightbulb shedding light on shelves of cleaning supplies and boxes of extra toilet paper. Taj sits on an overturned bucket, jiggling his leg nervously, and Shadus leans against the wall with his eyes closed. But at the sound of us coming in, both of them start up.

  “Finally,” Shadus drawls.

  “Why bring Victoria?” Taj frowns.

  “I’m just here for the booze,” I joke. But not even Taj smiles. Raine turns to face all of us.

  “I have to tell you three at the same time. I was going to do it individually, to minimize suspicion, but there’s no time. The mharata will figure it out soon. So we have to act.”

  “You have to tell us what’s going on first before we can act,” Shadus sighs. Raine turns to me, taking a deep breath.

  “Victoria, you are the zol,” Raine turns to them. “She is the zol.”

  Taj steps back like he’s been punched in the gut. “What?”

  Shadus yawns. “I already knew that. I’ve told her that. I was with her when the second zol happened. It has a very potent scent.”

  Raine turns to me. “He told you?”

  “Yeah, but it’s obviously a joke,” I laugh. “I can’t be the zol. I’m not a Gutter.”

  “Yes, she isn’t a Gutter,” Shadus says. “So why can she use zol, Raine?”

  “I’m not using zol!” I snarl.

  “Correct,” Shadus agrees. “You aren’t using it. Using would imply you have some control over it. But you don’t. It simply happens.”

  “A human cannot be zol,” Taj insists.

  “They can, if they react to Umala’s DNA,” Raine says icily. Shadus and Taj fall quiet.

  “Umala’s?” I glare. “You mean the DNA in my EVE organ?”

  Raine looks to Taj and Shadus, ignoring me.

  “The sotho – our parents - came together before the implementation
of the EVE program. They discovered that the human leaders never intended to let us leave. We are aliens – we provide advanced technology, and an insight into space travel. But most importantly we have a planet to go home to. A planet that houses eleven billion Gutters.”

  Taj and I shoot each other confused looks, but Shadus steps in smoothly.

  “The humans are afraid we’ll leave, and come back. With an army.”

  I feel my breath snag in my throat. Raine nods.

  “They’re not going to let us leave, Shadus. They’re going to kill us. All of us. And they’re going to make it look like an accident, so the general public doesn’t suspect anything. They’ve been building the plan for eleven years, and the first steps have been taken to implement it now.”

  “This school,” Taj breathes. “Do you mean to say this school –”

  “By the UN decree, cameras aren’t allowed on the reservation. They’ve tried to sneak them in before, but we’ve always found them. In here, they are allowed. Required. And there are no adults to destroy them, or protest them.”

  I look up at the ceiling. Shadus shakes his head.

  “I took care of the ones in here.”

  “The US government has been gathering data,” Raine continues. “On us; our patterns, our intelligence quotient, our morals and our culture and our weaknesses.”

  “But why would we –” I try to piece together my infuriated thoughts. “Why would kill you when we’re trying so hard to feed you? The EVE program –”

  “To make us rely on you. And we do. We are crippled by the fact you are our sole source of food, and the fact the government controls the program. So our parents devised a fail-safe.”

  Shadus knits his brows. Taj is so pale his gold eyes look like sap on snow. Raine puts her index fingers together, over her lips.

  “The Ki’eth have hired Illuminators for centuries to research Umala’s body, and the secrets of zol. We’ve never been able to successfully grant the gift to any Gutter. Every single test subject dies. But gene AU984, the primary recombinant in charge of the zol gift, has a mortality rate of zero percent when introduced to human tissue. But neither does it produce immediate effects. There is a very, very specific sequence of human DNA that must be present to trigger the chain and set AU984 into active mode.”

  “And the chances of that exact DNA sequence being present in a human at any given time?” Shadus asks lowly. Raine chews her lip.

  “Approximately five in six billion, four hundred thirty-nine million, seventy-four thousand and twelve.”

  “And one of them is here,” Taj breathes, and looks at me. I hold my hands up.

  “Hey, wait a second. You want me to believe that out of six billion whatever, it’s me? Six billion? And it’s me? That’s impossible!”

  “It is rather fortuitous,” Shadus mulls. “And almost unbelievable.”

  “Unbelievable or not, that’s how it is,” Raine’s voice is harsh.

  “So mother –” Taj frowns. “Mother and the other sotho planned this?”

  “It was a risky gamble,” Shadus says. “Plant Umala in every human who volunteers to feed us, and hope one of them reacted one day. And eleven years later, it works. They planted the seeds of a weapon, and now they want to harvest it.”

  “I’m not a weapon! I’m a person!”

  “We know. We know, Vic. Zol is –” Raine squeezes her eyes shut. “Zol is power. The smell-tapes I’ve seen…even one zol would be enough to threaten humanity. The sotho want to point the gun at humanity, and demand to be let free. And humankind…despite their bullets, their missiles, their nuclear weapons – all of that pales in comparison to zol.”

  “How?” Taj frowns. “I know Umala could kill a few dozen Gutters in a blink, from what the Ki’eth says. But she trained for years, and her methods were lost –”

  “The mharata discovered detailed records of Umala’s methods in Latori’s library. They know how to train a zol user to reach Umala’s level of mastery. Human nervous systems react differently. It would be a few dozen Gutters. But by my father’s calculations, it would be hundreds of humans. In a second. And hundreds more in the next second. Not to mention, their technology does not rely on kinetic crysts as ours does. Electricity is their prime energy source. And it’s highly explosive when in contact with zol. The causalities would be devastating.”

  “I think you’re all forgetting something,” I say quickly as Taj looks at me with a gleam of fear. “I mean, even if I am this crazy Umala thing - I would never, never do any of that. I would never kill anybody! I swear to you!”

  “But what if they had your family?” Shadus hefts off the wall. “What if the sotho had your family at gunpoint? Then you would kill. I know you would. You care too much about your family not to.”

  I open my mouth to argue, but he interrupts.

  “Even if they didn’t have your family, there would be other ways to convince you. There are drugs derived from Gutter plants that would drive a human insane at the slightest drop. You may not have a choice. In fact, I know it. If the sotho got hold of you, you’d have no choice. Not anymore.”

  “I’m stronger than that,” I snarl.

  “I know.” His ruby eyes gleam as he smiles. “I know you are. But even you can’t be strong forever. I know how they work. I know what they’d do to you. And that’s not an option.”

  I’m quiet.

  “But you still have a choice now,” Raine insists. “And we have to act if you want to keep it.”

  “How are we going to –” Taj shakes his head. “There’s no way we can keep her a secret forever. Does Jerai know?”

  “He came very, very close to knowing just a few moments ago,” Raine sighs. “But no. He doesn’t. He will, soon. Yulan can’t disguise the findings for long. He’ll read her chart and know instantly, if the mharata don’t sniff her out first.”

  “Then we have to act. Now,” Taj asserts. Raine nods.

  “Yulan and I have been putting together the plan. We’ve bribed so many people I can barely keep track anymore, but we’ve managed to buy a plane ticket, and a driver to get her out of here.”

  “Wait, whoa –” I start. “Are you saying I’d just pack up and leave? What about my family? I need the money for Alisa –”

  “Yulan and I will arrange it,” Raine cuts me off. “We can pay for her treatment. The sotho won’t dare kidnap a human family, not while they don’t have the zol to threaten the human government with. So you must leave. There’s a family in Switzerland who is willing to shelter you. We have doctored passports, and papers –”

  “It won’t work,” Shadus cuts in. Raine shoots him a nasty look.

  “What?”

  “No matter how well you hide her, it won’t work.”

  “We have supporters everywhere. The American government has the least influence in Switzerland. She will be safe –”

  “Oh, I don’t doubt that. It’s easier to disappear on this planet than it is to frighten a psori into wetting itself. But you’re forgetting something. She’s not trained. The zol won’t go away – the outbursts will only get worse. And then they will certainly find her.”

  Raine opens her mouth, then closes it. “You can’t be sure.”

  “Your father may have studied the scientific side of zol, and what it really is,” Shadus walks up to her, staring her down. “But my father and I have spent years with the mharata. They know most about how it is controlled. She could just as easily kill a hundred people on accident by blowing up the wrong car, or bus, or plane. Without training, she is just as deadly, and four times as noticeable.”

  Raine’s glower turns dark, and they glare each other down. I clear my throat.

  “Hey, okay. So say I really am, you know. What do we do about it?”

  Shadus looks at Taj. “We give you to the mharata.”

  “Are you insane?” Raine hisses.

  “And then we take you back, before our parents can get to you,” He finishes. Taj’s eyes widen.
/>   “And that would…that would make us –”

  “Correct,” Shadus smirks. “That would make the second generation sotho more powerful than the first. We could overthrow them easily, take control of the Gutters, and stop this nonsense.”

  “Nonsense? It’s not nonsense!” I snap. “You guys need to go home. And if my government is really planning something horrible to kill you all, you need to go home quick,” I say. Shadus studies me, then turns to Raine.

  “How sure are you of this plan the humans have?”

  “Our spies are reliable and widespread. You know that. Your father commands them.”

  “But they haven’t been able to get details. They’ve only discovered that a genocidal plan is being put in place,” Shadus leads. Raine agrees. Taj shakes his head.

  “This is truly crazy. Asara help us – we’re just hatchlings. We can’t go against our parents! That would be in violation of so many laws –”

  “Fuck your laws, Taj,” I say. “The government is planning to kill you all, and you’re worried about your precious laws?”

  “The laws are what keep us together in chaotic times like these!” He argues. “We need to follow them now more than ever, or people will get hurt!”

  “If you’re not with us, Taj, then you’re against us,” Shadus says smoothly. “Rules will be broken, yes. We’ll have to break many, many rules to prevent the humans from killing us, and the sotho from killing the humans.”

  “It could be war,” I say softly.

  “It will be war,” Shadus says. “If we aren’t careful.”

  “I don’t –” My heart tears down the middle with red-hot pain. “I don’t want to go to the mharata. I don’t want to be part of any of this. I just want – I just wanted Alisa to be okay. And Dad. I just wanted…”

  Shadus is near me in a blink, his warm body inches from my own. He puts his fingers under my chin and lifts it, slowly and gently.

  “They will be fine. Raine and Yulan will help them with the money.”

  “But you’re asking me to – to give myself over to those creepy aliens –”

  “Might I remind you I was once a ‘creepy alien’ to you, too.” He smirks, a little crookedly.